clomid. a love, hate realtionship.

I read all the reviews on clomid right after Dr. G prescribed it to me. I read that it made you irritable and have hot flashes. TRUE. I was an emotional mess. And... it did not work. My friend who went on clomid got pregnant the first month she tried and is due in October. I was hopeful.. but after testing with ovulation kit for about 20 days and no positive response I figured that it was safe to say it did not work. I called and spoke with the nurse and we are trying clomid for 3 more month. Each month I have to call and check in. I was at work when I called since my Doctors have the same hours. I then went to the bathroom and cried for a minute, gained my composure and went back to work. After having a crying out burst in the middle of olive garden when a friend asked me about having kids. I decided I was going to try to be more level headed. Continue to say WHEN and not IF we have a baby. realize if it takes three years it takes three years. if it does not happen we will travel. I do not how far I can continue with fertility treatments. My first visit with Dr.G was not even covered and it was just a check up. My medication is not covered either. We are not wealthy people. I've told myself already we won't be able to see a specialist. I guess... we will just have to keep waiting.. and praying. And stay positive. We are already so blessed with so many babies around us. So many cousins, neices, nephew, friends. I will just hold them and love on them in the meantime.

i am in love.

today was a great day in the road of trying to conceive. i met my new ob/gyn dr. gildner. aka everything i hoped he would be and more. i have never met a doctor in any specialty/practice that has been more informative, understanding, and organized in a game plan for treatment.

i am having problems. he realized this. this is especially noted since ovulation kits have not been showing that I am ovulating (despite a fairly regular cycle). which dr.g stated happens. but rather than run lots of painful tests and then trying to narrow down the cause he said we would go straight to the treatment. i am starting on fertility medication. clomid

will this increase the chances for multiples? yes. but only 5% of women on clomid have multiples.

i am still holding out hope that I got pregnant last month so i won't even start this. i did not show ovulation on a stick but I did follow a calender.

so today i am optimistic and appreciative of my friends who sent me dr.g's direction.

crossing my fingers and as the crazy women on the clomid reviews say, " best of luck and baby dust" whatever that means.

i am in.

another warning to anyone who might happen across this blog. TMI is the theme.

at my last annual I had every intention of talking to my doctor about my desire for pregnancy. maybe this isn't something that requires a great deal of chatting. but she said two things to me when i mentioned this. get some prenatal vitamins (duh), go make another annual appt, maybe i'll see you sooner.

i was disappointed. i don't know if i wanted dr.h to hug me and hold my hand and tell me step by step what i should do. okay i knew that wouldn't happen but i expected something different. and it has bugged me this entire time.
i probably should have been given some advice maybe lose some weight, here is a script for the vitamins which might be more affective than the walgreens brand i have been taking. or maybe i am looking for a finger to point.

so i followed my gut talked to my best friend and decided after 8 months of no success, i would not wait till I am pregnant to switch doctors which i had every intention of doing.

I made a phone call and expected to have to be approved but i have an appt in march to get a basic exam and discuss the game plan.

i feel hopeful.

diet diet diet

im sitting at home with a thin crust light cheese pizza. i have been wanting pizza all damn week. i have been eating well and not exercising. i had a rough day at work so i ordered said pizza. yum.

every choice i make i make in hopes of having a baby. i barely drink. i take vitamins. i eat healthy. i don't make concrete vacation plans in hopes ill be pregnant.
i eat drink sleep baby having. i have gone beyond baby fever. i have baby disease.

i really enjoyed doing fight for air climb last year. however, i did not do it this year because i did not want to sign up knowing we were trying to make baby happen. i did not think 30 flights of stairs and pregnancy mixed.

now i know i could have done it, kept training been in better shape because it did not happen.

now i have two 5ks i am considering training for. my first thought when these were presented to me was ... what if i get.... oh i've done this before.

so i am not doing it. i am signing up. i am training...

many women have gone on with their normal lives and gotten pregnant. i am going to try better at this.

here is to fun, running, and hopefully when the time is right baby makin!

bump in the road.... to bump.

People do not discuss fertility issues very often. It is hard topics. I do not have fertility issues. Well I hope not. It just has not been easy thus far. Gliches I call them not problems.

As soon as John and I were officially married on June 25th we stopped preventing pregnancy. I do not know how to answer "are you trying to have kids?" we were perfectly content either way. That changed pretty quickly. We went from being nonchalant to WANTING a child. I have always had a regular cycle and felt this would happen very quickly. Then John went to ER for heart problems in September. The medication they put him on put a damper on our plans. He had to continue on the medication until he found out he got a new job. But then something happened to me. I went an entire month without a menstrual cycle. I was slightly hopeful but part of me knew I was not pregnant. I finally called up to my doctor to ask to run a blood test. No. I was not. I was not surprised. I was scared because something was off with me clearly. So I went to the doctor. I apparently have pretty significant Vitamin D deficiency so they put me on prescription vitamins. Now the vitamins are making me sick so I am just taking a multi and will begin tanning. Also, I am taking huge steps on my weight control which is a possible reason for my issues as well.

So we begin trying again with a stock full of tricks up my sleeve. It is hard for women to talk about conception problems. I do not know that I have any other than what I just discussed. I have seen fertility battles of friends and family and I hope that I do not have to go through some of the pain others have,I know very strong women who have fought for years with and without success. I just began my journey. I just want to document what i have learned from other mothers and women maybe it will help.

I will start my prenatal vitamins and evening primrose continue with a healthy vitamin rich diet and since my cycle is off I have to use ovulation kits to figure out my cycle which i hope gets back on track. Hopefully if that does occur I can use a basic calendar.

the dirty thirties...

today i was frantically looking my closet for a sweater i wear to work all the time. John had just went through last Sunday and organized all our clothes. As i was sorting through I found a dress. A dress from my favorite birthday party. It was my first birthday with John (only weeks after we started dating) all my friends threw me a suprise JERSEY SHORE themed party. We filled the top of stella blue before 1am with JUST my friends. It was magical. So I looked at this dress, then I got super sad. That dress was so small..... it wouldn't fit me now... not by a long shot. Here is a picture...

yep that dress looked cute. sigh.... another prime example of my cuteness is this, the picture the first night i met john....


I have decided I am going to get back in that damn dress by the time i turn 30! My old faithful trainer Jim taught me the skills. 2 a day workouts and WW are going to be my life until January 12th.

I weigh in tomorrow at WW for the first time. I am going to get crazy, start a running regimine, mixed with Rocky Dancing, and another daily workout I can do this. I want to average 4lbs a week. I want to be constantly moving. I will walk on breaks, walk peaches after dinner everynight and eat healthy meals.

I will turn 30 looking great again... and be healthy enough to have a baby.

wish me luck!

marriage....

So... i would like to take a minutes to discuss the 3 months of marriage. First of all nothing relationship-wise seems different. John and I are still silly goofy in love. Our first month of marriage seemed pretty normal. By early August things started getting a bit crazy. I began having these horrible dizzy spells. I had had them somewhat after the honeymoon but they got progressively worse. I was nauseated, tired, cranky, and dizzy almost everyday. I wasn't myself i was upset and uncomfortable. I made an appt with my doctor but didn't get in for a week then he sent me specialist to specialist and finally I was told i had Benign paroxysmal positional vertigo. I had a procedure called and Epley done and a week later I was cured.

John and I decided around July we were going to jump right on the baby train... we were TRYING to have kids. I went on vitamins he started wearing boxers all the time.. serious stuff i know. I was CONVINCED the beginning of Sept I was pregnant. Like so certain I started getting these bursts of baby joy. I found out I was not and I got very upset. I was in a funk for a few days. The following weeks we had some pretty bad money troubles. It seemed after the wedding we couldn't catch back up. It was like a constant drowning feeling. Add in my student loans are again due, medical bills, and us not in saving mode anymore and tired of being frugal paying for wedding. MORE PRESSURE! Then John ended up in the ER with heart and breathing problems a week later. I left work in tears two times in two weeks.


So I guess things have gotten better in a week since the ER scare. John is doing better. We are moving to a house, 2 months of which we are splitting rent with my cousin who will be our roommate, we are catching up on our bills, and i asked john if we could cool the baby stuff till after i turn 30. (reason in next blog)

john and i love each other more than ever. we had our first big fight. it was over going to the movies. it was nice in a way.. made me feel like we might be (sort of) normal. we have a good future in store. I hope the next three months are bit smoother. I hope we don't see doctors for a while other than our basic check ups.

Next up: we move! BYE BYE APARTMENT!