i ordered THE dress

a few weeks ago i dragged john to a bridal event. At said event i got a gift card to david's bridal and they set up an appointment to look at dresses. i said from DAY 1 "i am NOT getting my dress at david's bridal.. I will support local businesses, I will not have something seen in 100 ads of 100 bridal magazines.. NO NO NO"

But i figured 1. Candices has GREAT bridesmaid dresses but they only have silk beaded wedding dresses.. so to be convient, I would look.

I looked, i tried, i found the dress of MY DREAMS.

and i ordered it.. 2 sizes smaller.

not three. two. i am a liar. and actually i ordered it in my size, but in bridal sizes.. two sizes bigger. ..

SO.. i haven't stepped up. I have stepped down. This week has been hell. i have clocked 45 hours this week and it is wednesday. I am tired, worn, out... and still very lonely.

so john returns to my life next week and we will eat right and exercise. UNTIL then i am tired, exhausted, and didn't go to PT this week because my body said NO. I spent a great deal of time in tears.. because I am so stressed out about money, apartments, being here alone...

however, in the back of my mind i know i have severe pms added with a serious case of seasonal depression the end of october till mid november.

so i am sending my trainer an email, apologizing.. but this week was my mental break. i can't quit working for a week.. but i can just give myself some time to relax and not stress about working out... bad call? possibly. but my mental health is saying TAKE A BREAK FROM ONE THING...
i have to keep looking for a new home.. i have to keep planning the wedding (by working to pay for it)... so this is what i gave up.

NOV 1, 2010. HERE GOES NOTHING.

my dress is ordered time to make it fit. and john will be next to me now.

side note: losing my father has been harder on me this year than any other. it is a terrible thing being asked "who is walking you down the aisle?" and not being able to say my dad. I think it is harder for me to deal with his death because of him not being here, meeting john..

but i have the best mom in the world... i just wish i had the complete unit here. i miss him more each day as it gets closer. Bittersweet.

a new day

I brought a breakfast and lunch to work composed of only healthy snack foods I'll have time to eat.

I'm going to hit the treadmill in my living room after work and I am making a realistic budget and applying for pt retail jobs for Christmas.

I'm Also not drinking but going to be more social so I hope my friends want to go for walks.

I'm also going to be packing soon.... I hope

im one more crisis away..

i am on the verge of being the earliest bridezilla ever.

I am NOT happy with my progress. I am so stressed. my job doesn't help.. not one bit.

I need more money, a new house, a wedding to be paid for, to be skinnier, and mostly i just feel very very lonely. this blog wasn't meant to do anything but talk about my wedding, my fitness goals, and personal training.

however i am lonely, broke, fat, and unhappy.


what is a girl to do. will i have bridesmaids who still like me come june? will i have a man who can put up with my attitude come june? will i have money to pay for the wedding? will i get a much deserved honeymoon after? will my dress fit? will i have wasted all the PT money?

I AM NOT HAPPY!

Goals for this week:
1. Set a budget
2. Find another second job
3. work out daily
4. give up drinking for the most part
5. be social
6. do a new resume
7. find a new place to live...

BAKERS HEAVEN/BRIDES HELL

Dear God! THIS is why i can't lose weight! I make these delicious treats for all to enjoy at the centrum cafe, all except me..

PS. I love Glee. which has nothing to do with this blog. but i do.

Chubster

I feel pretty gigantic. Our engagement pictures are this week and i am not too pleased about this. i wish i hadn't put on so much weight. Training is going better i just have to get motivated to go on my off days.. and go hard.. i am just so tired. I quit one of my jobs to get my self back into a doable scheduele till after we move. but i volunteered to work a gigantic amount of overtime a few weeks ago, so once that starts i don't know what I will do. I think i am going to have to figure out lunches i can pack that are healthy and work without refridgeration or heating up...

Everytime I wanted to scream during Personal Training today i kept telling myself pretty in white pretty white, john at the end of the aisle.

Im on this folks more determined to get my diet under control now. Today was pretty good. just have to watch the little bites.. try this nicole.. try this.. my job is a real obstacle.

today at work i made about a zillion calories worth of buttercake and brownies.... totally crappy.

I need work out buddies STAT!

Taking the lunge

I hate my trainer. He is nice, knowledgeable, organized, has a way of convincing me he knows what's best for me..... And I hate him.

Over the years, after being called a crybaby for so long I hardend up... But my tough exterior has taken a few hits. Namely during my third round of lunges during pt Thursday. It wasn't a cry of pain or emotion of how hard it was. It was that the lunge demonstrated working so hard and having nothing to show for it.
Defeated.

I work hard and every time a bit of money gets saved..... Something comes up! I know, life! Get used it miller!

It reminded me of running the mile in jr high... Defeat!

But I'll make those my lunges my bitch & I'll run a damn mile... In time... Getting back into shape is harder than never being in shape. Each step is a reminder of how far I let my self slip. But I'm back and going to make one hot bride.